|The start of a new semester or block usually starts the same way. After a period of not doing much of anything except trying to survive hangovers and trying to forget everything I was supposed to learn during the last exam week, I have the realization that this is the moment I’m going to turn it all around; instead of checking marktplaats for used guitar pedals and books during lectures and begging my classmates for summaries (Thanks Merle!) right after, I’ll read every damn text, pay attention at every lecture and make usable notes during it all. Finally all that wasted potential will come out and people will recognise me for the genius that I am.
And then when the first week actually starts that new found motivation generally doesn’t last longer than the first half of a lecture, or the abstract of an article about something I should be able to understand after three years of university education I give in, fall behind and start bullshitting my way through again.
Most people would chalk up my failed attempts at being a functioning adult to a lack of discipline; and they would be right. Normally I’d still have the excuse of saying it’s the ADD kicking in, and that looking at memes and videos of the Star Wars extended universe and the origins of Boba Fett for four hours in a row while my paper about Weber’s ideal from of the bureaucracy is still at 450 words and doesn’t make any sense, is totally out of my control. Nowadays I’ve got the fitting corona excuse of not being able to concentrate at home blablabla.
Being a spoiled white boy without ambition doesn’t exactly make you grow a spine or learn anything about having an actual work ethic. This process typically continues until I pass by the skin of my teeth with a few resits for good measure and the next break or holiday begins.
I’ve written enough sappy bullshit in previous newsletters saying that it’s okay to fuck up and make a mistake every now and then, so I won’t bore you with a Disney-style speech. It does, however, seem to be a recurring theme in these columns, which might say more about my personality than I’d like. Generally, this whole, process comes with a feeling of failing and a liberal dose of imposter syndrome.
And yet, I’m still here; after being sure I wouldn’t get my BSA, after understanding nothing at all about French Structuralism and after flunking my way through Evolution of Humankind by picking answers at random, maybe I’m actually doing something right.
Or maybe just make sure to have friends who share their summaries.